Editor Lyndon Keane says since the State Government has already blown the budget for the new Archer River bridge by about $100 million, why not get some bang for buck by utilising the 9-metre high deck for Olympic diving events in 2032? Photo: Cape York Weekly.
I don’t know what to be more disappointed in – Premier David Crisafulli’s assertion last week his government’s blueprint for the 2032 Brisbane Olympic Games would “deliver generational infrastructure for every square inch of the state”, or that, for a brief moment, I naively thought it would include Cape York.
Seriously though, no one north of Cairns expected to benefit from the estimated $7.1 billion infrastructure spend it’s going to take to get Queensland ready to host athletes from across the globe in a little over seven years from now. Also, that’s $7.1b in political speak, which will undoubtedly equate to more than $12b or so once government construction blowouts are factored in. Those in far-flung parts of the state like Cape York were not holding their breath for a single razoo when the government unveiled its 2032 Delivery Plan on 25 March, but the fact the Premier’s top lieutenant, Deputy Premier Jarrod Bleijie, described it as a strategy that “sets Queensland up with generational road and rail infrastructure” makes you painfully aware you aren’t deemed part of the state by our political overlords.
What could possibly go wrong when the lunatics are holding the purse strings at the behest of experts in exaggeration, masters of misdirection and sultans of spin (sorry, Warney) looking for their two weeks basking in the global spotlight in mid-2032? Oh, that’s right – Olympic rowers testing themselves in Fitzroy River while trying to avoid meeting some of Rockhampton’s more prehistoric residents, that’s what.
In the spirit of being a team player and to assist the government in bringing the best athletes on the planet to regional audiences across the state, I’m going to offer up a few events I think the Cape is well positioned to host once the flame has been lit and the bevy of bin chickens released into the sky at the opening ceremony in July 2032.
Event 1: Cartography a la Crisafulli
Sorry, athletes, I know you’ve been training for a lifetime, but this new Olympic sport is for the politicians and bureaucrats only. Given the Premier’s assertion his Brisbane 2032 vision would encapsulate “every square inch of the state”, this event involves our elected leaders and their minions inside 1 William Street sketching a map of Queensland without visual aids.
Expect to see a big blob that is the south-east corner at the bottom of their efforts, with a narrow band running north to Cairns representing the northernmost part of the state. Mount Isa? Never heard of it. Longreach? Long-where? Pajinka sign? We’ll relocate it to the base of the Kuranda Range.
Event 2: Diving at Archer River
This one’s a no-brainer. The government has already blown the budget on the new Archer River bridge by about $100 million, so why not get some genuine bang for buck and use the 9-metre deck as the home of Olympic diving events? The river should be running at a suitable height by the time athletes arrive on the Cape, and they can feast on the famous Archer Burger between dives.
Event 3: Delayed freight weightlifting
We’re going to have some exceptionally strong humans in Queensland for the weightlifting events, so why not put them to work as they compete at loading and unloading barges to help with the current backlog of delayed non-essential freight destined for places like Weipa?
Event 4: PDR marathon
The Olympics are being held in late July and early August, which is peak tourist season on Cape York. The average pace for the current men’s marathon world record is about 21 kilometres per hour, which is coincidentally the same speed many find themselves doing behind a dusty convoy of caravans at that time of year. Nothing says you’ve earned Olympic marathon gold like being covered in dust and overtaking Jim and Norma as they complete their Cape adventure at the speed at which paint dries.
If you want to make it a multidiscipline offering, we can also let the hurdlers leap over roadwork signage left behind while we wait for Canberra to stump up its share of the stage three Peninsula Developmental Road upgrade.
