11 August 2025

Letter from the Editor: We're slaves to airport Armageddon

| By Lyndon Keane
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Editor Lyndon Keane is curious why airports and flying transform us into the worst versions of ourselves, and extras in an aviation-themed Lord of the Flies. Photo: Cape York Weekly.

I was going to write my editorial about something completely different this week, but, after enduring several flights on big and little planes, and airports in a variety of sizes over the past seven days, I thought it more pressing to focus on an issue of critical importance.

What the hell is it about airports and flying that transform us into the worst versions of ourselves?

I’m not talking about a minor personality change here – I mean the Jekyll-and-Hyde transformation that seems to inflict most of us the moment we pass through airport security into a place from the imagination of William Golding, where there are no rules and only the fittest will survive to make their connecting flight.

Here are the top three eyebrow-raising behaviours I’m hoping someone a lot smarter than me can provide a sensical explanation for when it comes to humanity and air travel.

1. Involuntary security guilt

Even if you’ve got nothing to hide, it’s almost impossible not to feel like a common criminal when going through those swanky new airport scanners while half a dozen security staff assess the scan result, all the while keeping judgemental side glances on you standing there with your arms splayed.

The guilt ratchets up exponentially if you happen to lock eyes with the security officer doing random explosives scans, even if you’ve never been anywhere near such a substance in your life. When they get you in their sights, beckon you over and ask if it’s okay for them to do a clothing swab – I’ve never been brave enough to joke they could get stuffed if they thought they were going to wave their wand of doom over me – you suddenly feel like Ted Kaczynski’s Cape York cousin and find yourself involuntarily asking, “when was the last time I handled high-grade explosives?”

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If you do cop an explosives test, you can guarantee your fellow travellers will be eyeballing you as if mentally preparing to describe you to a police sketch artist or news anchor in the near future.

2. Paying extortionate prices

I’m ashamed to admit I did something horrific on Wednesday. I paid $18.70 for a pint of domestic beer while waiting for a flight. Actually, since we’re among friends, I paid it twice, because I’m clearly a thirsty idiot. That, and Qantas Club apparently doesn’t serve alcohol before midday anymore.

Why do companies operating inside airports think we’ll tolerate their legalised, modern-day highway robbery? Granted, the fact I went back for a second beer probably aids their economic arrogance, but the maths on airport beverages is truly terrifying.

My Great Northern Original pint equated to $20.45 a litre. At Cairns beer prices, a 30-can pack of the same drop costs somewhere in the vicinity of $6.20 for 1,000 ice-cold millilitres. Pound-for-pound, the airport White Fish costs almost double what you’d pay for even the most expensive slab on Cape York.

And imported beer? I have no idea. I didn’t feel like an impromptu kidney operation to fund a Peroni before boarding my flight.

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3. Immediately standing up on the plane

There’s a special place in a fiery afterlife for people who feel compelled to jump to their feet the moment the plane comes to rest on the tarmac.

Everyone around you is still strapped into their seat, the door of your aluminium flying Uber is yet to be disarmed, and the ground crew are still positioning the aerobridge, but you’re so important you can’t stand to remain seated for even another second.

I’ve often wondered where you were in such a hurry to go. Business meeting? Hot date? Urgent bathroom visit?

Fun fact: 100 per cent of the people on your flight that aren’t you think you’re an utter tosser if you bound to your feet and then spend the next five minutes with your neck craned under the overhead compartment while looking impatiently at your watch and glaring at the cabin crew.

The immediately-stand-up-when-the-plane-stops guy – it’s almost always a bloke – has been scientifically proven to be one of the two worst kinds of people on the planet.

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